Uncle Fun was put on this planet for two things - good food and beer. Since Uncle Fun was left behind when the band went to culinary hotspots like Little Rock, Arkansas and Wichita Falls, Texas, ol' UF felt a little left out. So you can imagine the excitement around the Fun household when the tour of England was announced! Pints and pints of beer and all that great food England is known for...

Upon arrival The Snakes took us straight to the countryside for two days of intensive rehearsals. The Snakes are a top-notch country-rock act out of London and the band Tommy played with. While the country is quaint and all, Fun freezing his ass off works up quite a thirst. It's cold out in the English countryside! The Snakes proceeded to take us to Sally Pussey's Inn. They all swore to Uncle Fun that it once was a whorehouse. Let me tell you this, none of the women I saw around the place made the Uncle want to spend any sterling! The boys convinced me that it was only an hour away until PM (what's this?) so an English breakfast and a few pints would hit the spot. Nothing like sausage and lager to open the eyes! The sausages and baked beans went down smooth and the lagers flowed like streams of golden goodness. After several pints Uncle Fun was asking the bar maids, "How much for a top quality English shag?" Long story short - Uncle Fun left full of sausage and lager but nursing a sore jaw. Oh well, on to the first gig of the tour!

While Tommy and the Snakes warmed up for the tour and got the house rockin', I cooled down the liver with a cavalcade of lagers. The Beehive in Swindon is a small pub that was packed to the gills, just the kind of place that makes a guy like Uncle Fun feel at home. The beers poured as I noticed the crazy caricatures all over the walls. They looked like old 60's Tom & Jerry cartoons. After a few Stella Artois', which is now the official lager of Uncle Fun Enterprises, I noticed the people at the pub were all in the cartoons. As the Stellas kept coming, Uncle Fun kept putting cartoons to real faces. When I finally felt like local, I asked where all the excitement happened in Swindon. Everybody kept telling me it all goes down across the street and that I should check it out. I drunkenly swore to them all I would stop by the following morning. The last thing ol' Fun remembers is The Snakes dragging me away. I think vomit was involved in the final minutes and there are fuzzy memories of a beautiful drunken girl lying on Tommy's feet as he sang. All Uncle Fun knew for sure was he¹d be there bright and early to find what excitement lay across the street.

Click on any picture above for a bigger view...

The next morning came very early and Uncle Fun arose to find the Snakes playing a Noel Coward CD very loudly and singing along at the top of their lungs. They informed Uncle Fun that everything in England is derived from Coward and it wouldn't be a proper English trip unless I learned, liked and lived all things Noel. I decided to forego the English breakfast and found a bottle of Stella in the fridge. Next thing you know Uncle Fun is singing along to "Don¹t Put Your Daughter on the Stage Mrs. Worthington" and "Let¹s Not Be Beastly to the Germans"! When the fridge ran out of Stellas I insisted we go back to the Beehive and pick up the gear. I had to know what was going on across the street.

Uncle Fun doesn¹t ever recommend going to a bar in the morning. It smells. Rock and roll stinks. Some guy who looked like an old pirate was swabbing the floor. I left to discover the Mecca across the street. It was a church! A Strict Baptist Church! An accusing finger appeared in the doorway and spurned me back to the van and off to the next town. A frantic week ensued of gig after gig through out the northern part of the country. Tales of those travels would appear here but Uncle Fun couldn't understand a word. Take this piece of advice from your Uncle: Never, never listen to directions from a very, very drunk man.

Sunday found us back in London, so it had to be the Sunday roast. It's like Thanksgiving in England every Sunday. Tommy and The Snakes played an acoustic set at a show called "Come Down and Meet the Folks". I took it upon my self to enjoy a roast chicken dinner and several pints. Next thing I know, crazy banjo sounds are wafting from the stage like a disturbing tractor beam. Uncle Fun has to check this out. There's a guy who looks like Charlie Chaplin singing songs about the Devil and an elephant being killed in 1928. It takes a lot to catch Uncle Fun's attention but banjo songs about funerals or medicine shows get me every time. Don't believe me? Check him out. www.curtiseller.com

Uncle Fun wrapped up the trip by being presented with a hardback copy of Viz and a copy of Noel Coward. The Snakes looked puzzled and waved politely as Uncle blubbered his tearful goodbyes and then boarded the plane for home. In the future UF looks forward to reporting on various BBQ joints, honky tonks and places of interest around the globe.

Have a comment, suggestion or an obscenity to hurl at Uncle Fun? Say it in an email! unclefun@tommyhale.com